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So I occasionally get these marketing emails from Tesco. I'm sure I've tried to unsubscribe before, but they just keep coming. The "unsubscribe" link takes you to this page.

I can't help thinking that there might be a teeny flaw in their system there.

Can you tell what it is?





[Clue: In case you haven't got it yet, why not try typing (say) "terry.leahy@tesco.com" into the box that says "Existing Customers Sign In Here". He wasn't previously receiving all their marketing emails, but he is now...]

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Mine Of Comic Potential

As part of my tireless work for my soon to be ex-company's social committee, I happened upon an email yesterday advertising the services of this company. It's good to know that if we ever need to book Chas n' Dave for an event you can get them playing live for just three grand (although perhaps that figure should be taken with a tiny pinch of salt given that they are also quoting £5,000 - £6,000 for Edwin Starr, and I'm not sure he gives the best performances these days, considering he's been dead for five years).

Elsewhere on the site, there's some fun to be had with their lookalikes. I can't quite believe that there is such demand that they need two Hitlers on their books, and I'm not too sure how good a lookalike this guy is of Jesus, but I'm most amused by Salman Rushdie, who clearly does so well out of his lookalike career that he could only afford £2.50 to get his portfolio shot done in a photo booth.

Oh, and I can't imagine that the Gary Glitter tribute act that they have on their books gets much work these days. Perfect for children's parties, perhaps...?

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How Politics Works (Part 247)

Monday 21st April: Conservative leader David Cameron has vowed to "stop the government in its tracks" and make them think again over the axing of the 10p income tax band. He said he would fight in Parliament for compensation for those affected by the "disgraceful" move.

Wednesday 23rd April: The prime minister has defended moves to compensate pensioners, young people and childless people on low incomes who lost out from the 10p tax rate's axing. Gordon Brown's offer of backdated help came amid a continuing rebellion from Labour MPs over the issue. Tory leader David Cameron said the PM only acted to avoid defeat on it next week and accused him of "weakness, dithering and indecision".

I'm fascinated by the current ongoing fuss about the changes to the UK income tax bands that came in at the start of this month. It provides a nice little insight into how politics works.

In the above case, for example:

- opposition politician asks for something
- ruling politician does the thing he was asked to do
- opposition politician accuses him of being weak because he did the thing he was asked to do by opposition politician

The funny thing is that these changes were announced a full twelve months ago.

It was obvious to me at the time that the changes would disproportionately affect anyone on a low income (specifically, anyone earning around £7/8K, who would previously have paid all their tax at 10% and will now pay 20% on all of their £2K-ish taxable income), while anyone earning towards the top end of the basic rate, or paying tax at the higher rate, will be better off (because the negative effect of the first £2K of taxable income being taxed at 20% instead of 10% will be cancelled out by the rest of the basic rate being at 20% rather than 22%).

So it seems odd that no one found the time to make a fuss about this at any point over the last year, when it might theoretically have been reversible. It's a bit late now, isn't it? Unless of course you don't really care what happens to people on low incomes and are only really interested in jumping on the bandwagon to exploit any given situation for maximum political gain...

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Approved

So. Sighs of relief all round yesterday when the Australians finally got round to granting my visa. Something of a relief, really, given that we'd already resigned, given notice on our flat, booked our flights for our big trip to South America next month as well as our one way tickets to Melbourne in October, organised our leaving drinks, and ordered 26 packing boxes from Freedom Shipping and started filling them with assorted tat.

Prior to yesterday, the last communication I'd had from Australia House had been back in February, when they sent me a form letter confirming that they were processing my application. It ended with a note reminding me that the visa processing people "do not recommend that you take any irreversible action during the processing of your application (such as leaving your employment, purchasing airline tickets, or selling your property) until and unless it has been confirmed in writing that your visa has been granted" so obviously that was advice that I took to heart.

Having said that, given that the only real requirements for this particular visa are that you (a) have been living with an Australian for at least a year, (b) don't have a criminal record, and (c) don't have TB, I was always fairly confident that I might just scrape through.

When we've previously got the same type of "dirty de-facto" visa for Sal to allow her to stay in the UK, it's merely involved filling in an application form and sending in some post addressed to the two of us to prove we live at the same address. The Australians, on the other hand, make you jump through a few extra hoops, like getting Australian citizens to write statutory declarations confirming that yours is not a sham relationship.

They even ask you this directly. Question 74 on form 47SP, the main application form, reads:

74: Did you enter into this relationship with your partner solely to gain permanent residence in Australia?

Yes | No

Hmm. Let me think about that one for a moment...

They're also quite big on the character requirement. This mostly means that you have to get police checks to prove that you don't have a criminal record, but they also make you fill in the glorious Form 80, which includes such gems as:

27: Give details of all visits (including short stays) to countries outside Australia for the last 10 years (If insufficient space, give details on an attachment)

There are 7 lines for you to fill in the details.

Quite how they expect you to remember everywhere you've been for the last 10 years, I don't know (especially if you happen to live in a continent that allows freedom of movement between member states and therefore don't have any stamps in your passport for half of those trips...) My digital photos go back about 5 years, but beyond that I was mostly guessing. I vaguely remember what I did in 1998, but not to the day... And after I got to 36 trips on my attachment, I gave up.

The health checks were fun too. I went to a chap on Harley Street who apparently does nothing else but health checks for visa applicants. After the most cursory of medical examinations, during which he listened to my breathing for all of five seconds, basically just asked me if I had any health problems and then ticked "normal" on all the boxes on the form, he sent me on my way £140 lighter to get my chest X-Rays done down the road at another business that apparently exists solely to X-Ray visa applicants (this one was ironically staffed entirely by Australians, who all sounded exactly like the snobby shop assistants off Kath and Kim). With all that out of the way I just had to go back down the road to let a young New Zealander extract some blood from my arm and I was done, the whole process having taken little over half an hour.

So that's it then. We really are officially going now. We leave London on the 18th May to head north for a few days, then fly to Peru on the 22nd for four months of flitting around South America before flying out of Sao Paulo on the 22nd September for a brief return to the UK (first to Southport and then back to London on the 26th September for a final weekend here). Our one way flights start from Heathrow on the 1st October, and after a few days in Singapore to see our friends who've just moved there (because, you know, 4 months' holiday wasn't quite enough), we'll finally get to Melbourne, penniless, on Monday the 6th of October...

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How The Meeja Works: We'll Just Print Any Old Rubbish We Get Sent In A Press Release...

I read this story about a teenager getting a cabinet (when she wanted a cab, init--DYSWTDT) in the Metro of the bloke sitting next to me on the tube this morning. It's also for some reason made it into El Reg (er, technology angle?) who appear to have just copied it out of the Daily Mail.

How many ways is this clearly the fabrication of a desperately unfunny PR department at the furniture company?

Let us count the ways...

- This "19 Year South Londoner". What has her name? No? Funny how you've managed to get in the name of the company that supplied the cabinet, though, isn't it?

- Since when did teenagers not off of Eastenders use cockney rhyming slang? I've never heard anyone call it a "Joe Baxi". Have you?

- If she lives in London, home to 6 major airports, why was she flying from Bristol?

- Didn't they ask her what type of cabinet she wanted? Size? Colour?

- Did the people selling her the cabinet not think it was odd when she said she wanted this cabinet to take her to Bristol? (And why travel there by cab in the first place?)

So well done, display company PR people. I'll give you a B+ for effort, but next time you want some free publicity, maybe try something that's moderately believable, ok?

And this is also notable for some speak your branes level commentary from the unwashed illiterates who read the Mail and the Metro:

"Looks like this is another one who will be kept by the taxpayer for life on benefits. How can these people expect to get a job when they can't talk the language?" -- Brian Lightfoot, Birtley Co. Durham

"She definitely should not have received either an apology or a refund. The woman is one of our Nulabour illiterates, a product of our wonderful education system taught by teachers who have threatened strike action because they are "underpaid". Unfortunately good English is seldom spoken or understood by the text generation. God help Britain because our children will not be able to." -- Ken, South London

"Serves the idiot right." -- Mr. J. Smith, Birmingham, England

"Well, if she had asked properly, then no mix up would have occurred. A sign of the times, I suppose, innit?" -- Sandie Seward, Basildon U.K.

"Why should the furniture company apologise? If the idiot girl had spoken correctly in the first place she would have got the taxi she wanted." -- Simon, Nottingham England

So that's "benefit scroungers", "the yoof of today", the "text generation", "Nulabour", and "striking teachers"... If someone could just find a way to pin this one on the immigrants then I'd have a full line of my "right wing middle england" bingo card.

Thanks, one and all, for thinking carefully before responding rather than just trotting out your lazy prejudices. Well done everyone!

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